The internet is a marvelous thing, in many ways. We’re starting to be able to reach out online for support and help to escape domestic violence situations. I recently witnessed a conversation on Facebook in which a woman lamented her lack of knowledge about where to find help when she was being abused. I felt the same way. My abuser would even mention women’s shelters, but he laced his words with threats about how if I went there, he would take the children, and would be allowed to do so because of the “crackheads” that lived there. He said I would still be responsible for supporting the children; the shelter wouldn’t provide food or anything like that, only a place to sleep. During the day, I would be on my own with small children, no money, no car… it would be easy, he said, to swoop in and take them.
I believed him. I hate myself for it. I feel stupid, but at the same time, if you said to me that you believed him, that you were afraid of losing your children, I would tell you that of course you aren’t stupid. Of course you don’t deserve the hate you’re feeling toward yourself. He was the one thing you heard, day in and day out. He had removed you from all other support systems. On the outside, there were people lauding him for being young and taking such good care of you and the children, because the bills were paid and you weren’t sleeping out in the cold. Now that we have access to the internet, we can learn about how shelters really are. (I was in a women’s shelter recently. There were women doing laundry and laughing together. There were children in the halls, happy and laughing, clean and well-fed. There were counselors on site to help both mothers and children through the difficult transition from a broken, damaged life to one that can be whole and comfortable and finally, happy. I cried in the car on the way home; I wish I had known then that this place was there.) We can find phone numbers to call, where we can talk to people about the reality of custody situations, and how to seek safety during the process of moving on. Through social media sites like Facebook, we can reach out to online friends and find comfort there.
But there’s a disturbing trend that I’ve noticed on Facebook. Many women, particularly younger women, often share memes with disturbing messages disguised as profound statements about the strength of relationships. In reality, they describe abusive behavior. With today’s read-accept-share culture, it’s easy to see why men and women both might have dangerous ideas about relationships. Here are a few I’ve noticed just in the past few days, and why I think the statements are unhealthy.
No, you don’t. You deserve someone who is capable of thinking about something other than you. You deserve someone who has his own interests, and encourages you to pursue yours. You deserve someone who gives you personal space, and expects to have some of his own. You deserve someone who adores you, cherishes you, and respects you, and is healthy enough to have a life and thoughts that don’t revolve around you all the time. 
FUCK. THIS. This is the trademark blame-deflection of a domestic abuser. “You shouldn’t have made me mad. You shouldn’t have said that. You shouldn’t have done that. You should have kept your damn trap shut.” If you can’t handle getting angry without becoming abusive, put your big boy panties on and get some help for that shit. It’s great that you want us to think you’re a bunch of overgrown toddlers who can’t control your tantrums, but that’s not our problem. YOU are responsible for your reactions. Grow the fuck up. 
When a girl says “I’m done,” it should really mean “I’m done.” No doubt, there are girls and women who play games like this, who threaten to leave or break up and really want you to chase them. That’s not okay either-not at all. But the implication here, that a woman doesn’t really mean it when she’s ready to leave, sends a troubling message to the young men who are on the receiving end of such statements, and the young women who look to Facebook memes for guidance and advice. (I know, it sounds crazy to me as an adult who grew up before all this stuff was around, but it’s the reality of the world today.)
Let’s empower our young women to be strong and stand up for themselves, and let’s empower young men to recognize that their self-worth isn’t tied in to brute strength or how well they can control their women. Let’s work on building a culture in which boys and girls grow up knowing the signs of unhealthy relationships, and are exposed to examples of healthy ones. Let’s talk to them, at home and in schools, about self-respect and loving themselves. Let’s talk to them about what love and respect really mean. And let’s think before we post things on social media that give the impression that control and conflict are at the heart of a meaningful relationship.
Smashed Mirrors 